Today, on this very early morning, I’m going to write all the things before it explodes. I know this might seems cheesy, but that’s me. I can’t tell people right in their face the things I dislike nor hate or even criticize. I can NOT. I always write it down all the sadness, some are posted, some are discarded. Sometimes I type, and after shed it all, I delete. That’s the way of me, besides reading books to get myself lost on it.
I recently feels so burdened, yet empty. All the things that I used to believe— I try to believe, turns out to be a mistake. Do you ever feel like you’re surrounded by people who never think about you? You’re hanging out with no one but yourself? You’re not into them, even if you try. What you do will have no impact to them, like all the thing is you’re trying and they’re watching. Even when you hurts, no one notice but your own fcking mind. Even when you sigh, no one ever try to notice it. All you do is fertilizing the sickness and in the end, it’s only you get hurt.
I feel ignored. Forgotten. Everyone’s umpteenth choice. Even when you try to keep a distance, they let you do. The point where I really want to put myself right in the edge of the cliff, how I want the night last longer. I’m enough with the dramas on TV, I don’t want it anymore in real life.
I really don’t know how to trust people actually. Even if I trust, that’s me trying. Because when you trust someone, and the next day you find out why you should not, no one to blame. Not them who betray, nor the broken promises, nor the memories, but you. I’m not a moody person, once I get hurt, I’ll let myself understand to give second chance. But after twice, it rather to stay, or leave. No grey.
I want to stay in the place I used to stay, but the place seems comfortable enough without me. So i’m gonna passing through and put myself on the most of myself because all I need is a friend who will wait for me before I ask for it.
So in the end, it’s all my mistake because I believe more than I should.